*
...or, I Want This Motherfuckin' Bat Out My Motherfuckin' House!!!Judas Priest! I'm trying to finish the iPad post and I hear this skittering skud, sort of like a dry leaf blowing across the floor in another room. Could be the wind, but the windows aren't that far open and the air outside is calm. Flying insect? OK, whatever. Mouse? Don't like 'em, but I have my ways of dealing with them. But uh-uh: there's a motherfuckin' BAT, as I say, about the size of a motherfuckin' crow, bouncing around the kitchen light like it thinks it's a moth! Its wingspan --- no kidding --- was about 12 inches! From crown to tail thingie, it was almost 5 inches long.
Do you know how to get a bat out of your house at bedtime? Well, I don't. Forfeiting the opportunity for YouTube fame, because I didn't feel like screwing around with the iPod Nano video camera but did very much feel like getting the bat out of my kitchen, I engaged in an absurd session of chase-the-motherfuckin'-bat-out-the-motherfuckin-house, armed with an Australian truncheon brought back from a vacation by DoubleE and a cardboard mailer. The object was to shepherd the bat toward one of the two open doors, at which time its famed sonar would show him the way to freedom in the wild black yonder. But it didn't. I did herd it to the open living/dining areas, but the creature just strafed me to continually for almost 10 minutes and had no interest in the open doors. Regrettably, then, I had to opt for a less humane mode of eviction, namely one involving a Crossman BB rifle. Not really my style, but then neither is sharing my home with flying rats. Extra pills and booze for me tonight.
Turn out all the lights in the house. Stand outside in front of an open door or window. Turn on a flashlight so that the bat can see it. Wait for the bat to leave. I believe this maneuver still requires extra pills and booze.
ReplyDeleteEwwwwww
ReplyDeleteI came home to find a bird in our fireplace. Look what you've started!
ReplyDeleteThat is funny. Best to load up on a few nice cigars and smoke'm out next time. I've always found that a strong mixture of bleach and water in a spray/mist bottle usually gets'm good, but maybe not for indoor use.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the time growing up in Connecticut when the family dog got sprayed by a skunk and ran through out house. Mom went over the edge on that one!!!
Gurlitzer: is that really supposed to work? If so, I'll try it next time, hopefully never. On calmer reflection, I've concluded that a properly designed critter-control net would be the fastest and safest way to operate. Trouble is, these nets are outrageously priced --- $60 - 100 or more! Also, a bird in the fireplace is worth two in the bush. My approach to eviction would probably involve a few sticks of designer LL Bean fatwood and a long matchstick.
ReplyDeleteSuz: Ewww, indeed. Whilst showing the runts where the bat made its last stand I discovered a crystallized pool of bright red blood on a shelf in back of Hermes, a large mother-in-law tongue plant over which the bat perched.
59er: on one or two occasions I've been near ground zero of a skunk attack, and it's a whole different experience than passing over some roadkill of the same species. Nausea becomes involuntary. No wonder your mom freaked. (Looked for your blog recently but an error message told me it was removed. I'll take another look.)
It works for Canadian bats.
ReplyDeleteMy blog is in development. Still not sure what to do with it, but I'll leave it up and try to write more often on my misadventures now that I know someone is actually looking at it. Thanks for checking in.
ReplyDeleteOn the bats....next time you're around the house, if you see droppings and there is a nest they'll more than likely be straight up above. Most common is behind shutters and in attic vents if not the attic. Don't get one stuck in your hair. Happy Easter.