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Rudy, holding forth on the topic of squirrels:They eat anything.
They're like rats!
They are rats. With tails!
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- RubberCrutch
- Champaign-Urbana, IL
- RubberCrutch, 14-watt illuminatus and man about town, earns his living as a simple country editor, as if toiling on a chain gang beside Larry Fine, making little sentences out of big ones. He has 30 years of professional experience in written and visual communications, including journalism, public relations, advertising, technical publishing, and photography. In connection with some of those roles he has won several unimportant awards. [Editor's note: in archived Fifty50 posts, all references to one "StuporMundi" in fact pertain to our hero, RubberCrutch, unless otherwise noted. Thank you for your attention in this matter.]
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Rudy is fucking right. Squirrels chew up hoses, cushions, wooden furniture, fence posts. They carry tomatoes into the trees. They dig up bulbs, gnaw on plants because, why not? They will dig up newly transplanted plants and seedlings and why? Because squirrels suck.
ReplyDeleteGet a cage, trap those bastards, drive them to the forest, let them out. For extra fun spray paint them before you let them go. Maybe they'll return to their nest. Maybe you'll see them on a walk or a bike ride.
In conclusion: fuck squirrels.
Attagirl! That's what we're talking about, too! I hope that by "fuck squirrels" you mean "ventilate the shits with a .22 cal pellet from an air rifle." Because that may have accidentally happened in the neighborhood once.
ReplyDeleteYeah, things happen. What are ya' gonna do?
ReplyDeletewhat's with all this hostility toward squirrels? Deer are much worse, like locusts without wings. And BBs don't work on them. Lawn mowers either...
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that deer are nuisances, but not very much in urban settlements. Squirrels, as Rudy says, are like rats (but with tails!) that can take up residence in your attic or walls. They're like fire ants (but with tails!) that will learn to eat anything. I wish they'd eat the rabbits.
ReplyDeleteRototillers work great on rabbits.
ReplyDeleteBingo!
ReplyDeleteGood work, but whatcha you gonna do with it now? Something worthy of Poe, I hope. Too bad I didn't know you were so bloodthirsty back in school---we could have gone on a crime spree.
ReplyDeleteHe has been taken to the forest.
ReplyDelete